A friend sent me the following. I love these kind of things. My favourites - #12 and 17. Enjoy!
They say that nonsense messages clog the internet. The trick is sorting out the nonsense from the useless advertising spam from the "news"... from the stress-relieving chuckle that actually has some value.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
4 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
8 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
9 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
10 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
11 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
12 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
13 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
14 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
15 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
16 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
17 You're never too old to learn something stupid.
18 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
19 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
20 Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
21 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you run after it as when you are in it.
22 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?